#sometimes we talk about my baths in therapy

[anxiousgirl]

drinking coconut water in the bathtub and I got my candles and my music and I’m like this is the liiiiiife.

[chobani-flip]

ok, i have decided that i need tommy kinard to have some annoying qualities.

so far, in s7, he's been so patient and kind and thoughtful and open and funny and there for buck, and that's great. but i need him to have weird hangups. and do irritating things.

so, here's my new headcanons:

(adding to the existing ones of tommy is a coffee snob (here | here) and "if i sits i flies" tommy cannot pilot drones)

tommy is absolutely unreasonable about shutting doors behind you whenever you walk through them and he's in the room. even if you're gonna be right back and you're just getting something. whether it's summer or winter. whether it's hot or cold. doors must be shut at all times because otherwise there is a DRAFT, evan!

(im basing this on tommy's long-sleeved layer choices in s7)

tommy had worked on himself a lot in therapy, and he knows that being open with people is important, but sometimes he still likes to stew for a bit before he comes out with whatever is bothering him. and sometimes he has a hard time admitting when he feels genuinely upset about something. god, tommy, stop saying you don't mind about the buttons. i know it's just a shirt but it's your favorite shirt and i should have been more careful. i will get it fixed for you, baby, but stop saying you don't mind i can see the line between your eyebrows.

(im basing this on tommy insisting that he was absolutely not bothered by buck's famous picking-up-chicks comment. he was only concerned because buck wasn't ready. babe, you were at the very least disappointed, we could all see it, it's ok, you're allowed.)

tommy lowkey hates and is afraid of birds (the ones that can talk especially, but also in general) he is very embarrassed about this, and not very rational about it. buck finds out after they move in together and he suggests installing a bird bath near the kitchen window and gets an extreme NONREACTION in response. once tommy finally brings himself to explain his issue (no matter what howie says, cocks have NOTHING to do with it, evan! my grandmother had an parrot that she let fly all around the house and he'd shit everywhere and do horror film noises in the middle of the night. he was Evil.), they agree that birds are important for the ecosystem and, to the effect of them not dying of overheating in the furnace that is LA, buck and tommy's household should do their part. just far away from anywhere that tommy likes to sit.

(im taking maurice the terrifying rooster and running with it, folks. but in my headcanon, maurice merely exacerbated the issue that was already there. )

[lowkeyrobin]

Hiiiiii just wanted to put in a request of Trevor Spangler x reader angst where reader is trapped with a hostile ghost, just in the mood for some angst 🤭

ooooo okay okay I see the vision ; thank you for requesting and I hope you enjoy! I need gbfe to release on digital bc I'm in desperate need to get new banners/headers. sigh ; post writing robin here, I missed the whole angst bit somehow bc idek how to write good angst so I apologize

TREVOR SPENGLER ; hostile ghost exposure therapy

summary ; youre a scientist in the making working with the ghostbusters squad and expose hostile ghosts and ghouls to human kind. sometimes it can be rough, though

warnings ; language, choking, weird ghost shit

disclaimers ; ik ghostbusters usually focuses on the ghouley types of ghosts but standard ghosts were the idea for this lol. I've been watching The Boys explore haunted places all day so what can I say

word count ; 783

masterlist

Proton barriers this, ghost containment that. Whatever Lars was speaking about didn't matter to you at this moment. What did matter was trying to help this new, very hostile, ghost adjust to being in the presence of a human.

The barrier quickly slips down, then right back up once you step inside the room. Glass surrounds the exterior, then Lars steps away, leaving you to do your thing. Lucky waves a few feet away, wishing you a silent good luck before getting back to work.

Trevor and Phoebe talk about with Lucky, Lars, and Podcast, testing out one of the newer machines in the lab. You face the approximate direction of the ghost, not exactly able to see it without its permission.

You carefully sit down in a chair across from the one left empty from it, bathing in the silence before speaking.

"My name's Y/n, what's yours?" You ask, not really expecting an answer. Thank God this was a standard ghost and not a ghoul. You didn't think you had the patience for that today. "It's alright if you don't want to tell me. I just want to know why you're so hostile to make you that way. I'm not here to judge, I have good intentions. I promise you that"

Step one, build trust and rapport.

Silence.

You internally nod, moving your legs in a criss-cross manner to get a little more comfortable. Apparently, the ghost didn't like this silence and chucked a ceramic vase, which sat on the coffee table between the chairs, towards you. It just barely misses you and breaks on impact with the wall behind you, causing you to flinch a bit. The dusty, broken ceramic clatters onto the floor, creating a million pieces out of the used-to-be one-piece vase.

You keep your composure, not giving the undead the attention that she wanted. You sit in silence, a clear look of 'not taking shit' on your face.

"Stupid bitch" It whispers into your ear, catching you off gaurd. You feel a shiver run down your spine as a wave of coolness washes over you.

You lightly sigh, "We can sit here and insult each other all you want. I'm just here to help" You speak, leaning back in your chair.

Over the course of the next ten or so minutes, you hear petty insult after insult, like this ghost was trying to dig into your skin and was just miserably failing. You'd gotten used to this long ago. When would they ever learn?

Suddenly, you feel a tight sensation around your throat, which you nearly panic at feeling, considering you can feel the air suddenly leaving you. You grab at your throat, choking and gasping for air, trying to get whatever hands were on you off out of pure human instinct.

This has happened a few times, where the ghosts will put hands on you. It's never escalated to immediate choking, though, which was why it worried you so much. This was a very hostile ghost. It wasn't just going to stop. It wanted to hurt.

"Get off of me!" You joke, instinctively kicking out towards the ghost, who's obviously unable to feel it. "I want to help you!"

You feel your face grow cold, and your eyes become heavy. The transparent figure now becomes slightly visible, still very much opaque as it stands in front of you, arms stretched out to squeeze down on your throat.

You hear some muffled shouting outside, then a lot of mechanical wirring and beeping. Lars and Trevor came to your rescue, the older man cautiously pulling down the proton fields while the teenage boy ran in to help you.

You don't know exactly what happened within the next few seconds, but the forceful grip on your throat was pushed away, and you were quickly ushered past the proton barrier again.

Trevor holds you up as you choke and gasp for air, already feeling your throat begin to bruise.

"Holy shit, are you okay?" He quickly asks, sitting you down on the floor.

You nod and cough some more, trying to regulate the amount of air swarming to your lungs. You pound on your chest like you were choking on an actual something, wanting the painful choking to stop.

Once it does end, Trev quickly wraps you in a hug, trying to make sure you were okay.

"I'm okay, I'm fine. Just fucking hurt" You nod

"Are you sure? Phoebe, go get them some water." He quickly speaks, turning back to Phoebe, Podcast, and Lucky, who were concerningly watching from afar. Phoebe nods and quickly jogs out to the kitchen/lunchroom area.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. I'm okay. Thank you"

[bluejaysandblackbats]

You're Just Like Quicksand

Fandom: DC Comics, Batfam, Batman Beyond

Summary: Jason Todd is ready to go into semi-retirement after fifteen years working with troubled youth, but one case in particular forces him to confront the sins of his youth and painful memories from his past.

Chapters: 15/?

Characters: Jason Todd, Terry McGinnis, Warren McGinnis, Mary McGinnis, Matt McGinnis, Bruce Wayne, Original Character(s)

Relationship(s): TBA

Additional Tags: Protective Jason Todd, Good Sibling Jason Todd, Retired Jason Todd, Multiple POV, Hurt/Comfort, Parent-Child Relationships, Canon Divergent AU, Angst, Mourning Jason Todd

Chapter Fifteen: Back of the Closet (Jason's POV)

Every day after I finished dropping Terry off, I spent a few minutes getting Avery-Marie cleaned up for dinner, and I checked on Andrew in his room. He’d taken up painting as a hobby, and he rarely came out of his room for anything. It was our normal. I knocked on the door frame, and Andrew looked up from his painting. “Whatcha working on, Drewby?” I asked. 

“Mom’s garden,” Andrew answered. I sat beside him, rustling a hand through his hair, and I kissed his temple. It’d been two years, and I still couldn’t get past the joy I felt looking at his face every day. “How was your day? Is your friend’s son okay?” 

“Uh-huh… I’m worried Powers is after him because of something his father found out… I’m gonna have someone look into it,” I answered. Andrew looked at me. 

“Are you gonna put the helmet back on?” Andrew questioned. I shook my head. 

“I don’t want to. I wanna see if the authorities can suss this out without help… Did you go to therapy today?” I questioned. Andrew nodded. I never pushed him to talk about it, but he’d tell me sometimes if he was in the mood to talk. Andrew continued to work on his painting. 

“I talked about you today… And Mom… Why weren’t you and Mom getting along?” What happened?” Andrew asked. It was a long time coming, but I was surprised he finally asked me about it. 

“It was my fault… I didn’t pay enough attention to her, and I never listened to her pleas about making nice with your grandfather. She just wanted me to work through my trauma. And I wanted to close it off and pretend it didn’t matter,” I answered, “Your mother was the sweetest woman I ever met. She was a good wife and an amazing mother. We weren’t gonna divorce… I would’ve stayed with her forever if I could’ve.”

Andrew smiled. I’d been seeing a lot more of that recently. Avery-Marie finished taking her bath, and she knocked on the door. “Uncle Andy,” Avery-Marie whispered as she knocked on the door. “Uncle Andy, can I show you something?” 

Andrew stopped painting, handed me his brush, and he let Avery-Marie in. He never turned her away. Even on his bad days, he gave her his full attention, showering her with love and affection like he used to do with Maggie. He picked her up and kissed her cheek. “What is it, Sugar Plum?” Andrew asked. 

“I made you something,” Avery-Marie whispered. She always whispered to him. He set her down, and she ran to grab her backpack before returning with a handmade suncatcher. “Grandpa put his present in the car.” 

Andrew opened his window and taped it there. “Wow. Thank you so much, Avie. Every time it’s sunny, I’ll be able to open my curtains and see the rainbow. This is so nice,” Andrew grinned. 

“I’m gonna start dinner,” I whispered to excuse myself. Andrew would help Avery-Marie with her homework while I cooked. It always calmed my nerves. I liked dinnertime. It was the only time I had to clear my head and focus on a single task. I didn’t have to think about Abigail surrendering custody of Avery-Marie to me. I didn’t have to think about Michael being tangled up in the magic scene in Louisiana. I didn’t have to think about Andrew’s agoraphobia. When I cooked, it was just me and the stove. Today, I made burgers and french fries. It was Avery-Marie’s favorite. I brought our meal to Andrew’s bedroom, and we ate at the little table by his closet. Avery-Marie sat on my knee while we ate. Andrew took his pills with dinner. After dinner, I put a movie on for Avery-Marie, and Andrew took a nap beside her. 

**

When nighttime came, Andrew listened to the police scanner before bed. “That’s a code I haven’t heard in a while,” Andrew whispered. 

“What’s that, Drew?” I questioned. 

“The code for masked vigilantes. At Wayne Powers on the roof. Do you think it’s Grandpa?” Andrew asked. I shook my head. “Dad?”

“It’s Terry,” I answered. There was no doubt or hesitation in me when I said it. It had to be Terry, and I felt my blood run cold. Andrew frowned and nodded at me. 

I shook my head, feeling torn between my duty to Warren and his family, and my duty to my family. It felt like the same thing. Warren, Mary, Terry, and Matt felt like family… But Andrew grabbed my hand. “You stepped away because you didn’t want to hurt kids… Now you have the chance to save one. Go ahead, Dad,” Andrew reassured me, “Don’t be gone too long, or I’ll call Uncle Dick.”

“Uncle Dick is in California,” I whispered before kissing his forehead, “Comms are in my bedroom.” 

I left the room and got dressed in the last model of my costume. I hadn’t worn it since the kids were babies. They knew about it. That wasn’t a secret to them. 

I took my motorcycle through the old passageways to get there faster, and I could tell from the sound of the security guards that Terry was there already. I turned comms on, calling straight to the cave like old times, hoping someone was on the other line. “Anyone on the line?” I questioned. 

“Hood?” Bruce’s voice half-exclaimed on the other line. 

“What’s his location and why would you let him wear the—?” I heard a gunshot and a hissing noise before looking up to see Terry in the Batman suit tailing a plane. “He can’t do this on his own—.” 

“The kid is in the suit against my wishes… But he’s got it under control. He’s got a natural talent for this… Go home, Hood. Stepping in now would only jeopardize his safety. Unless you’d like to talk about—.” 

“Listen here, you sick old man. I’m only coming there, so I can chew you out for allowing this curse to take another kid,” I whispered. The drive to the cave felt like it took an eternity, but it was only a few minutes. Bruce sat in his chair, looking more alive than I’d seen him in years. He had a distinct twinkle in his eye. I hadn’t seen that in him since I was a little boy. 

“He said he’s heading straight home… I didn’t know he was one of your kids. If I did, I wouldn’t have hit him so hard when I caught him down here. What’s your opinion on his mental state?” Bruce asked. 

I couldn’t lie to him. “Terry craves adrenaline, and he’s smart… Intuitive and compassionate. He has a record and a past, but that’s not reflective of how strong his conscience is. Terry feels guilty for things that he’s done, and he has a strong desire to set things right even if they seem completely out of his control. He’s deeply empathetic… More than anyone I’ve ever seen, and I originally planned on partnering him up with a defense attorney before I took a step back from work two years ago… I’m not gonna be able to talk him out of this, am I? And I can’t tell his mother. That’d kill her,” I answered. 

“He reminds me of you… He’s got a smart mouth, but I think that comes with being a teenager,” Bruce replied. 

“You like him… You lonely old—. You want him back here, don’t you?” I questioned. 

“This city’s falling apart. I think he’s fresh, and I appreciate his raw talent. If you say no, I’ll respect that—.” 

“But he won’t. I know how this works,” I interrupted. I wanted to blame Bruce this time, but I knew it was as much his curse as mine.

[sublimecatgalaxy]

maybe a continuance of the last one you wrote for me? just start talking about nerve pain in therapy and Rafe being agitated about it like in a good way but also being super caring with her

Late to the party but here at last. I love you bestie, I hope this helps❤️ This is a little different than the other one cuz I changed the dynamic between them to give you a little laugh :)

"Are you sure you're okay in there?" Rafe nags from behind the door and my eyes roll, my hands reaching out to steady myself against the counter. I pause for a moment, settling the nerves in my stomach before my lips part, a ragged, strained breath escaping me from the pain.

"Rafe, I'm fine, just give me a second," I mutter out and hear him move against the door, leaning against it as he waits for me to ask for help. He doesn't have to be here but he demanded it, not wanting me to be alone days after surgery. He's been pestering me incessantly, constantly asking if I need something and it's thrown me through the loop, not used to this calm and caring side of him.

Sometimes I wish he'd just leave me alone.

But I'd be lying if I said I wish he would just go home.

"I can help." He offers sweetly and timidly and I feel the jump of my heart at his caring words but I push it away, physically shaking away the thought as I blow out a breath, pulling my shirt over my head and onto the floor.

"I'm not having my friends with benefits help me in and out of the bath."

We've been sleeping with each other for months, constantly contacting each other in the middle of the night when we need each other and that's all it's been for the longest time; us hooking up and joking with each other and then him going home immediately after. But this crosses that unspoken boundary between us that that was all that we were, this changes things.

"It's not like I haven't seen you naked." He snorts and my eyes widen and I look at the door as if I can see right through it. If looks could kill...

"Shut up." I mutter and go to reach towards the door but I stop myself, knowing if I let him in to help me, that we would never go back to the way that we were. Seeing me and helping me in such a vulnerable state would change our dynamic completely and we would be less platonic, more connected.

And I'm not sure if I can handle that connection just yet.

"I'm just pointing out the obvious. No need to be shy." He knocks on the door once more, urging me to let him in and finally snap, moving towards the door to open it but I trip, my butt hitting the ground with a loud thump as I wince. "What was that?" Rafe asks worriedly and I pause, cursing under my breath, feeling so stupid for being so clumsy.

"I tripped." I huff, pushing my hair out of my face as the doorknob jiggles and I feel angry, frustrated tears rise to my eyes.

"Are you okay?"

"That's a loaded question."

"I'm coming in-" The door flies open and I immediately go to cover my chest but he just scoffs at me and reaches down towards me, hoisting me up into his arms and onto my unsteady feet.

"Rafe!" I whack his chest and he laughs, reaching up to tuck my hair behind my ears sweetly, his eyes not moving south of my chin. The gentleman act that he's got going makes my stomach flutter and heart drop and I consider letting him in for just a moment, just to help me.

"Oh stop, c'mere." He pulls me towards the tub that's now full to the top and he reaches down to turn the water off and check the temperature. "What are they going to do about this? You're in too much pain." He asks, helping me out of my pants and I push my guilt and vulnerability down.

"You're just sad you can't do me." I snort and he pinches my side with a naughty grin.

"Shut up, I care about you sometimes." He helps me step into the bed with a soft smile, eyes not wandering like they normally would and I smile while he's not looking, wanting nothing but to fall into his arms and let him embrace me for hours.

"Wow, you care?" I ask sarcastically and his eyes roll, arms lowering me down into the tub as the warm water surrounds me. "I didn't know that was possible."

"Shut up." He sits down on the ground besides the tub and rolls up his sleeves and I try not to question him when he cups some warm water in his hands and dumps it across my shivering shoulders.

"They're talking about specific therapies to help my nerves. It's a long process so we're just playing it by ear right now." I break down my walls a little bit, letting him in and allowing him to see what's really going on under the surface, behind my body, and witty jokes that I know he loves so much.

There's a pause as he rinses my body, a soft smile on his lips as I watch him intently and he sighs before looking up at me, blue eyes soft and genuine.

"You know, if you ever need my help getting to appointments or if you need someone to sit with you, I don't do much."

"Yeah?" I ask after a moment of silence, digesting his offer.

"Yeah." He whispers back simply and bashfully.

"Okay." I nod, giving into his offer and allowing him to care for and about me without pushing him away even though it's my instinct.

"Okay?" He asks, shocked at my walls tumbling down, even if it's just temporary, and I nod, biting at my lip nervously. "Okay."

[child0feden]

୨୧ woke up earlier than i was hoping but i also woke up feeling better… well, i had one more little breakdown but i feel it was more of a… getting it all out of my system so that i can have a better day breakdown more than anything, just had to get my last tears out, you know? woke up close to 1 am, broke down and accidentally woke up my mother because i was sobbing a little too loud and she offered to sit in the garden with me to get some air, we didn’t speak much but she gave me one of her cigarettes to help soothe me a little and it was nice… don’t feel like it was enough to get me hooked again, smoking it just felt like an extra little stress reliever in the moment… i took another bath after we went back inside because i felt gross after crying and i feel… okay now! obviously not completely better, i will never be completely okay in life for a long, long time but i always get like this, get the worst breakdowns and think too much when my sleep schedule is fucked up and i have too much time on my hands, the nights can be too silent sometimes… but i didn’t fall back into hurting myself again which was good!

i would like to apologise to you all on here, i did not mean to worry any of you or annoy any of you… sometimes i just need to say things, i need to get thoughts out of my head and i do not have any friends to talk to, not really… my therapy ended a while ago now and my mother… well, i dislike burdening her, even if she tells me i need to talk to her about things… i just have a lot of unresolved childhood trauma that i don’t know how to deal with sometimes, i don’t know what to do when thoughts and memories arise! it’s as if my mind gets reverted back to when i was a child and similarly just couldn’t think of what to do… i would also like to thank those of you who voiced their love and support in my ask box, it means more than i could ever know to be aware that someone in the world, let alone multiple people, actually think about me and care about me! i will respond to your asks soon, when i feel more awake

sorry if this post is confusing or anything, my mind is still hazy from sleeping pills and i’m still not fully awake but getting there <3

[your-queer-dad]

Hi dad,

Today I had a panic attack.

I was overwhelmed, because my mom so sick, my migraines and dizziness and other stuff have been getting worse, algebra 2 is overwhelming sometimes, and I just feel drained because of it.

I didn’t lash out or anything, but I kinda just cried quietly and tried to eat dinner. I ate half of it, which was hard, but I threw the rest away.

I wanted to sh so bad, and the urges have been getting worse.

I’ve been finding new coping mechanisms, so that’s good, and they’ve been working.

I was able to lock myself in the bathroom and calm down, but I kinda just feel drained and somehow still anxious from it. I don’t know what to do. I have an awesome mom and older sister I can talk to, but it’s really hard to talk about stuff sometimes, and I really don’t want to bother anyone. I’m in therapy and on meds, but it’s just so hard sometimes, and everything just feels like to much sometimes. And I always feel like I’m faking it. Like my stimming is fakes. Like my interests are fake. Like my emotions are fake. Like my whole sense of self is fake. And like, I know it’s not true. I know I am autistic (diagnosed when I was 8), I know I’m passionate about infectious pathology, I know I feel stuff, I know I’m a guy, and that living as a girl was hell for me, but my emotions always feel fake and distant and numb, and I always doubt myself. I need to cry a lot, like breakdown and sob and scream, but I can’t, and it just feels so frustrating.

And I’ve just been having so many memories come up from my childhood, and it just makes me so sad.

I had a dream last night that I was shopping with my cousin (who helped me through a lot, and was my best friend during tough situations. I haven’t seen her in 5 years), and I just miss her so much. It made me so sad and happy at the same time, and I just wish I could see her again.

I miss my older brother (I haven’t seen him in 5 years either), and I just want to make sure he’s ok, and give him a hug.

I keep getting random memories of an old neighbor we used to live by, who was so seeet and kind. We trusted him a lot, and played in his backyard and porch area frequently. He always had those little popsicles that are in the plastic tube thingy, and he always gave me the blue ones cause he knew they were my favorite. And though we haven’t seen him in years (we moved a lot), I miss him, and hope he’s doing ok.

I always want to help out more, and feel like I’m not doing enough. I just want to be more useful and see people smile. I like being helpful, and it hurts when I can’t do something on my own.

I feel stupid and lazy all the time. I suck at math, and can’t focus. It’s just so hard to focus, and my brain has been fogging more often in the past few years, and I just want to do something right for once.

I don’t know how to tell my mom about this, but I know that I really need to, because I don’t want to relapse again, and I don’t want to scare anyone.

Do you have any advice?

Also, I hope this ask finds you well.

Please make sure to drink some water, eat something, shower/bathe, and get some rest

Thanks for reading this :)

Hey kiddo! That sounds like you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself bud. Im so proud of you for resisting the urge to self harm. I know personally how hard that is but I'm so proud of you. No matter how fake it feels, it isn't. It sounds to me like you're invalidating your own feelings there bud. However you're feeling is true. You aren't stupid or lazy, you have so much going on right now and it's okay to be overwhelmed sometimes. Life is crazy and loud and a whirlwind and calm and warm and painful- it's so many things, it's natural to be overwhelmed by it sometimes. I would really really recommend talking to someone if you feel like you're gonna self harm. It isn't a burden to them, they care about you as much as you care about them.

- dad x

[breesays]

My son, my sun

Where did my little boo learn to talk to plants? We take plant babies from Gramma Lita's massive yard, recently started propagating them in water. Nothing for the first couple of weeks. Then Des said, "Mama, let me hold them" - and he took the bulb in his hand, looked lovingly at that little would-be-could-be plant and spoke to it in a way that astonished me. "You are so beautiful" he said. "You are doing such a good job. I am so happy to see you." I died, they thrived.

Four nights ago we unwrapped a fragrant bath bomb and I said, "Mmm, rose" and he started serenading me, from the "wonderful roses" part of "Til There Was You" and who can even do that? I feel like if I want to sing something, even casually, I have to start from the top. He vocalizes the percussion part of songs. Chh chh chh. Probably not revolutionary, but something new for my brain.

Some of the moms who got a spot in TK are reporting back that one of their kids "goals" for the year is to count to 20. Oh. Des can count to 100, and in Spanish. The other day he taught me how to say "knees" in Spanish, which is when I found out he can sing "Head Shoulders Knees and Toes" in a second language. He remembers numbers really well, and has a good grasp of time. He can math way more at 4 years old than I could at like, 7 years old - and that's just because it's interesting to him, measurements and doubling things and how old was his friend Felix when he turned 2? Sometimes I just have to say, "That is a calculation I can't do on the fly, buddy."

He's growing his hair out long so he can make it curly, like his friend Vienna and his cousin Emerson. I wish he liked to read books together more, but maybe that will come later. It's OK if that's an interest we don't share. We make up new words until we're too tired, me channeling the IKEA catalog. Sometimes he says, "I have an idea - let's count to the highest number we know" to which I reply, "That does not sound like fun to mama, can we play a word game instead?" He also loves blowing up and popping balloons. Actually, he loves doing a lot of things with balloons - keepy uppy, birdy-flying, inflating then deflating, using them as stamps, talking about them on his imaginary YouTube channel...

He likes to eat seaweed snacks and will basically try any food at least once. He loves tomatoes, so much so that he will eat them like an apple. He steals my sushi and told me the pumpkin seeds needed "more paprika."

He makes funny observations. I took him to my work party recently and I told him Erica was in charge. When we looked back at photos from that night he asked, "Does Erica ever go home?" I said "Yes, of course, she has two kiddos of her own - why do you think that she doesn't?" He said, "Well, she's in charge."

My therapist is retiring at the end of the year, and then I won't have anyone to tell me what's healthy or adjusted anymore. I told her that sometimes Desmond says, "You know, Mama, I love Dada more than you." I respond: "That's OK, my love for you doesn't change." It doesn't hurt me, it makes me curious - what is he trying to accomplish? That non-judgemental curiosity they tried to summon from the depth of my cold being during the "can we save this marriage?" time - there it is! Therapist said: It's remarkable that he even vocalized this. It's called secure attachment.

For awhile I also wondered - does Des need therapy during this transition? He has asked why we don't live together anymore and I said, "not all families live together" - but all the families he knew of, did. So we got a couple books. Representation. Therapist said: Unless he is acting out, or it's disrupting, he is ok. Again, the fact that he's even asking these questions is GREAT. I do a value a good question-asker.

I'm still writing my book of essays and I've recently hit 38K words. I've considered publishing under a pseudonym, because I don't want to FIGHT about asexuality. I just want some previously unlearned people to know that it EXISTS. I publish most of my revelations and feelings about being Ace on my Medium. The blog that upset him was titled "Ace Week 2023" - and posted on Medium. I didn't have the time or mental capacity to react at the time. I just chose not to. Spiral, if you must - I will not add any fuel. But I did feel mad, when I unboxed that compartmentalization --

Sometimes I want to be kind and gentle and empathic because, wow we didn’t know anything, did we? There wasn’t the vocabulary for what I was experiencing. There were no alternate storylines to draw inspiration from. But sometimes I am furious, violated, underestimated. 

If you just light the path, everyone will find their own way there, right? I’m the deer in headlights, then I run towards the inevitable crash. Scampering off into the unlit wild was somehow more intimidating. So, blind yourself. Numb yourself. Anything to get to the other side.

[aidenlyons]

After returning home, Jake and & Aiden fall into a routine. Jake is getting more mobile by the day it seems, with the help of crutches at first, and then knee braces.

A: Jake? Dinner's ready.

Aiden still takes care of most of the meals but he's always liked cooking.

J: You've made this for me before, haven't you?

A: Mhm. In high school. You were skeptical about something with no meat.

J: Hah! Yeah, I remember. I think it's even better now.

A: I've had some time to practice cooking a bit more.

A: Um, are you ok getting to your appointment alone tomorrow?

J: Yeah, I can manage, everything ok?

A: Yeah. I just have an appointment with my therapist, but I can reschedule if you need me.

J: I'll be fine. Is everything ok?

A: It's fine. I don't need to see her a lot anymore. It's just.. a lot is happening, and I just want to talk it over with her.

J: Ok.. you know you can talk to me, if you need to?

A: I know, Jake. I want to talk to you, too. It's not about that.

A: Having an outside perspective is just helpful. Keeps me from getting too far into my head, you know?

J: Yeah. I understand. But we'll talk, maybe after? We haven't really, about Chestnut Ridge and.. everything.

A: Yeah, if we're not too tired after our appointments.

After dinner, Aiden cleans up while Jake has a bath. Soaking in the hot water helps and he prefers to bathe himself.

Jake knows it's selfish, but he kind of misses the way Aiden would come to him when he was overwhelmed. He's proud of Aiden for doing what he needs to do though.

When they make it to bed, Jake wants to make sure Aiden understands.

J: I'm proud of you, you know. Of who you are now. I think I see why you wanted to break up, back then.

A: Jake... I probably could have done this all with you, but I think I.. panicked a little.

J: You? Panic? Never.

A: Ha ha. Thank you for understanding. And you know, given everything.. maybe you should talk to someone, too? You just lost a lot.

J: You might be right. We'll see. I love you, you know.

A: I know. I love you too. Always have.

Once a week, along with his own exercises at home, Jake has to go to the hospital for some physical therapy. Swimming first for something low resistance and then weights. It's exhausting, but he trusts his doctors.

At home, Jake also works on some upper body exercises which he can do sitting down and certainly keep him fit.

Aiden continues to work on his yoga since it's something he enjoys and it's... a bit distracting for Jake.

A: Don't even think about it. I can feel you staring.

Aiden spends a few hours a day painting as well. He has a few commissions but mostly lists everything on his site on Plopsy.

J: Is that one of my old jerseys?

A: I can neither confirm nor deny.

J: It has my name on it.

A: And?

J: You're just trying to tease me today, aren't you?

Jake isn't supposed to put too much strain on his knee or do anything too strenuous which has put a slight kink in their love life.

J: Come here.

A: What are you.. Jake!

Aiden laughs when he ends up in Jake's lap. It's certainly hard to turn down kisses from his boyfriend.

J: We can be careful, you know.

A: We tried that.

J: We can try again.

A: You think you can let me take control?

J: Mhm. Sure. It's hot when you get a little aggressive.

A: Not the same thing.

J: C'mon.. I'm not made of glass.

A: Ok. We can try, but you better behave yourself.

J: Promise.

This time it's Aiden that turns Jake's head toward him so he can kiss him. Jake isn't the only one who has been missing being intimate with his boyfriend.

The afternoon after their respective appointments though, they're too tired for much more than couch cuddles. Aiden proving his catlike nature as he curls up carefully on top of Jake.

J: Everything go ok?

A: Mmm. Just always tires me out, talking to Dr. Hackett.

A: What about you? How was PT?

J: Fine. Exhausting. It's hard to tell sometimes but the doctor says I'm healing fast.

A: Good. We gonna talk about Chestnut Ridge?

J: Mmm. I want to go see the house. Maybe once the weather breaks in Spring? Colby said he'd show me around...

A: Sounds good to me. Do you want me to go with you?

J: I.. would you be mad if I wanted to go alone, at first?

A: No. I understand. It's about you and your dad. Take some pictures and show me after. We can go out together later if you want.

J: Sounds perfect. Thank you.

A: I might have another art show around then. My old teacher said that place in San Myshuno wanted me back. Another local artist thing.

J: That's great! I'm so proud of you. I told you your art was great.

A: Yeah, yeah.

J: Lets just relax and watch some TV tonight, hm?

A: M'not heavy, am I?

Jake chuckles softly and shakes his head. Aiden sounds like he's halfway asleep already.

J: Not at all.

Sure enough, when Jake checks a minute later, Aiden is out.

J: Yeah. Lets rest for now.

[phanfictioncatalogue]

Fics Written In 2022 (2) Masterlist

Links last checked: January 24th, 2025

part one

all of these small things (ao3) - possumdnp

Summary: It’s Dan’s first day back from his American tour, and Phil can’t believe how much he’s missed him.

a party full of everyone you know (ao3) - dizzy

Summary: It has caught Dan off guard - how happy they all are that he's here, that he accepted that offhand suggestion Cornelia made that since Dan would still be in London and the girls from IRL were already going - well, she'd said, wouldn't it just make sense.

A Perfect Pair (ao3) - husbants

Summary: Dan, a struggling actor who works retail by day, and Phil, an ex-YouTuber-turned-porn-star, end up matched together on the new reality show, Perfect Pair.

broken bones heal when you set them right (ao3) - dizzy

Summary: Dan goes to see his mum after his birthday.

Dan’s First Day (ao3) - Jinny12912

Summary: Dan wakes up late for his first day working as a lifeguard and doesn’t get the chance to use the bathroom before he’s on deck.

Decisions (ao3) - philsmeatylegss

Summary: Otherwise known as “I know we don’t know each other but my awful ex is here and I’m scared, please just pretend I’m your boyfriend.” And then more stuff happens that’s sweet

in a cosmic spray (ao3) - cityofphanchester

Summary: Dan likes to think that he’s got therapy down to a science, and yet sometimes he still finds himself here.

kiss me just to kiss me (ao3) - calvinahobbes

Summary: Phil knows it’s serious. He knows he’s serious about Dan in that way he gets about people because he is so painfully afraid of messing things up. Dan came all this way just to see him, but he didn’t come all this way just to see him, and the least Phil can do is show him a good time.

Looking After You (ao3) - pasteldanhowells

Summary: A few weeks before he's due to go on tour, Dan gets sick. Luckily, his boyfriend is there to help make him feel better, even when Dan doesn't make it easy for him.

Love, Becky (ao3) - husbants

Summary: At a We’re All Doomed pre-show Q&A, Dan gets a question about his old characters Becky and Jessica.

He has a dream about them. And sometimes dreams inspire in peculiar ways.

Momentary Bliss(x2) (ao3) - intoapuddle

Summary: The only thing that really helps Phil’s head is an orgasm. But. Phil is lazy.

Revolving Door (ao3) - intoapuddle

Summary: Phil really doesn’t want to think about what Dan said. He really would like to leave, and take this strangled feeling elsewhere. But he can’t stop listening to Dan’s song.

security! (ao3) - natigail

Summary: Dan comes home to Phil after tour rehearsals. They cook, kiss and banter. And Dan reflects on the word "security".

See The World, Watch It Spin (ao3) - cafephan

Summary: YouTube isn’t responding.

To Dwell on Dreams (ao3) - carltzmann

Summary: "Taking in the whole image, though, it hardly hurt. Watching this perfect version of himself smile and wave and talk to his friends, bathing in success and appreciation, Dan suddenly started to believe that maybe all that was possible, even with the confirmation of a terrifying secret."

Dan and Phil meet at the Mirror of Erised.

Vacation Buddies (ao3) - larryisrealaf

Summary: Both couples have broke up but the trip is non- refundable. Can it still work? Will the relationships suffer or will it work out?

We Could Never (ao3) - danielshands

Summary: Dan navigates the world while also contemplating coming out.

well, what if? (ao3) - danhoweiis

Summary: its two days before dan flies off to start the american leg of his tour and phil is having Some Feelings

we never change (ao3) - nivi_chip

Summary: different decade same laundry problems

won't you help me sober up (ao3) - pasteldanhowells

Summary: Dan finds himself at a party that he most definitely shouldn't be at, but he also finds himself being reuniting with an old friend.

you’re somewhere breathing (ao3) - vvuptic

Summary: Guilt tastes like communion wine and cigarette smoke. Dan doesn’t taste it as much anymore. Until he does.

Or, Dan ponders existentialism and the passage of time.

[theladyofbloodshed]

I struggle with a similar situation with my partner where his low mood really impacts me and in constantly trying to keep up both happy which is draining… how do you cope with it? Do you have any advice?

I'll put this under a read more.

For us, I have to be quite blunt sometimes. We have a phrase "miserable blob". Sometimes I'm like baby are we going to be a miserable blob today or do something about that? I call him that because at weekends sometimes he will just sit there and stare at nothing or it takes him 30 mins to motivate himself to like make a drink. He hates being called that so it snaps him out of it a little bit, or he makes a conscious effort to try and snap himself out of it.

Sometimes I have to be tough and say get on with it, do x, y, z that you need to do then you can zone out.

For my partner, a lot of the issues come from the fact he doesn't like our flat (or England, hence the upcoming move) so some days I just need to get him out of the house. We go for a walk, go for a cup of tea, or visit my sister, just so we aren't in the house but then it's like a big, grey cloud is descending when we get close to home again. Some times, I nurture that depression and we will have a day watching films and cuddling up or we will try and talk about things.

When we first met, he started to experience panic attacks and he used to call me. I was quite firm that I cannot be his only support as the guilt I'd feel if I couldn't get to the phone and something happened would drown me. I made him go to the doctors despite him not wanting to. But I think you just have to be firm. In his country, mental health isn't really talked about and he would not let any of his family know. He eventually went on medication and hated it. It was a battle to get him to take his tablets and in the end he took himself off of them, which I wasn't happy with, but he knows his body best. I did make him tell his family too because I reiterated that I can't be the only one responsible for him, and that his family love him and would want to know about this. I think I used the analogy of a broken leg - nobody would expect you to walk on it and people would want to help you.

He did do online group therapy and hated it because every week was a battle to get him to log on, but after 2 suicide attempts I told him that I couldn't stay with him unless he went to therapy. I cannot be responsible for my mental health and his. He needs to take ownership of it. It was a hard conversation but I got through to him!

A lot of his stress came from owning his own business. When he quit that, it was even more stress because he literally went home for 2 weeks and was like okay i'm not doing it anymore, came back to England and had no job/income. He'd also invested all of his money into the business so he had a lot of feelings of failure. Now he works a 9-5 job he doesn't really enjoy but he isn't stressed about ensuring he gets an income every day, he is turning off his work brain at 5 rather than spending all evening on the phone calling customers and re-arranging his whole day to suit them, no weekends etc. Removing that stress has had a big impact because he could be very irritable and snappy with me then regretful of his behaviour.

We've had a lot of ups and downs due to his mental health and it is hard. I grew up with a mum who had depression and also made several suicide attempts, so it wasn't really anything new to me. I'm always calm in these situations and quite rational which I guess helps when my partner is having panic attacks. He'll tell me he can't see and his heart has stopped beating, and I'm like yes you can, it's in your head, you need to breathe in.

Sometimes I'll just say to him can you go for a long bath or a walk when I know he needs that to chill out - or if I need time away. We've been together long enough that I can say I'm going for a walk and if he asks to come too, I can say no I'd like to be alone and listen to music.

TLDR: be firm with your boundaries, be calm and rational, look after yourself too.

[nocturnal-phantoms-fandoms]

☕ on what your top 3 tropes are and why please! ♥️

Hello Rory!! :D

Judging solely by Hard Scientific Evidence (my ao3 bookmarks) - its Established Relationship, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting and Canon Divergence (if we ignore fanfic genres). Filtered to only HP fics its Established Relationship, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting and Canon Compliant.

Although considering two of them are regarding the canon/alternate setting and aren’t exactly tropes (and Im not sure i would say i agree with this data) - I was resorted to breaking down my two OTPs (wolfstar and stucky) into pieces ;)

So, lets see what we can find inside :D

Childhood Friends to Lovers

Or friends to lovers. Or strangers to friends to lovers. Any form of buddyslash, as it used to be called, as opposed to enemyslash. I am very much not an enemies to lovers person. Even in case of rivals to lovers ships im actually interested in them after they move into a more amicable territory.

So, friends to lovers is my fav type of ship dynamic, I believe.

Im not sure why? Maybe its got sth to do with me being maybe probably on the ace spectrum. Maybe I just think a good romance starts with friendship as opposed to bad romance that starts with rah rah-ah-ah-ah.

2. Separated by war and imprisonment and Reunited against all odds

This just screams soulmatism to me, and not in a “we are soulmates bc we fit so well together” (bc r/s dont) but in a “the chances of us finding each other again were so minuscule it must have been done consciously by the universe”. Its sometimes so crazy to me that this things happened canonically. The shack scene is absolutely crazy on its own (the forgave each other 12 years of pain in one conversation) and then Sirius and Remus go live together for like a year. The whole Winter Soldier movie is, again, bonkers, when you have shipping goggles on (and even if you dont, the romance isnt in the subtext, its in the text)

I was surprised I was into exes to lovers in modern/no magic aus, but yeah its canon for r/s so it makes sense. Something something second chances something something love conquers all something something they were meant to be something something soulmates.

3. Recovering after years of torture prison

hurt/Comfort my beloved.

This trope fits fill-in-the-blanks type of canon-compliant fics for r/s and canon-divergent fix-its fics for s/b.

In case of wolfstar this is Lie Low at Lupin’s. Absolute banger. *slaps hood* This bad boy can fit so many smaller tropes. Bed sharing. Bath sharing. Helping wash/cut hair. Comforting after a nightmare. Communicating and talking and settings things straight after years of lost time. Yeah. Cannot go wrong with this one. (and I can pretend they stay in this intimate serene bubble and nothing bad ever happens to them bc im delusional)

In case of stucky its all types of post-WS or post-CW fix-its where Bucky finally gets some fucking treatment and therapy (and actual therapy, not this piss-poor excuse for a therapist from TFATWS).

In both cases there is also an interesting switch in the dynamic that im not sure i can put into right words. Just, the one that used to stand up for the other, take care of them, was more confident and outgoing, now is the one being taken care of bc they went through hell and were on a run from the government for 2 years. And the one taking care of them is doing only slightly better, had a bit more time to adjust, but still, is quite traumatized as well.

Cinematic parallels or sth idk.

***

However, i mostly read fluff so there are many fluffy tropes i could mention but i couldn’t pick my top 3 (Sirius raising Harry and getting together with Remus. Domestic bliss. Established relationships with marriage proposals. Raising kids together. Post-full-moon sick fics (that one is technically h/c). Holidays spend with loving families. etc) I eat that shit up

send me a ☕️ and a topic and i’ll talk about how i feel about it

[kimmimaru]

So, probably a bit TMI (mentions of mental health) for random internet strangers but oh well. I'm sticking it under a cut for people who don't care lol.

So, I've been having a...difficult time lately. I'll keep it simple and just say I'm struggling pretty bad with personal shit. Anyway, I was considering looking into counselling but the NHS no longer fund talking therapy, it's only CBT and stuff which is helpful but not what I need. So I'd have to pay through the nose. And even if I could afford it I've only been able to find 1 single person in my entire town who specialises in treating autistic people. There may be more but honestly I have no idea where to even begin looking. Also like there's loads of groups for older people and people with toddlers but nothing for parents of older kids, groups for the parents I mean. I struggle very badly with making friends and talking to people, I'm awkward as fuck and have no idea how to socialise. Unfortunately I'm not a child so don't have anywhere to go to meet people like me. It's hard to make friends when neurotypicals have an instinctual dislike of autistic people (ok not everyone but apparently they can identify people as 'weird' without even speaking to them and generally tend to avoid us). Sorry, I did say this was probably TMI, but I'm just so fucking lonely and so stressed I'm having heart palpitations. I'm not sleeping either and unfortunately I don't have anyone to actually talk to about it so this is why I'm posting this here. Its at least just getting it all off my chest, even if it's not a long term solution maybe it'll be enough to actually help me get some sleep tonight. My mum was the person I talked to about all this shit, the only one I felt I could actually confide in and she's gone. I have family but they're busy with their own lives and tbh...I never felt like they ever really got me. My dad's a very closed off man, not in a cold way, he was always affectionate but he and my mum got divorced a long time ago and since then I've never felt able to talk to him about deep stuff. I suppose it's something to do with broken trust and all that crap. My sisters are way too busy and have their own problems and lives and my only brother is a lot older than me and far away. They all love me and care about me, I have never doubted it but none of them are neurodivergent. They don't understand me really and never have (that's not a self pitying 'oh woe is me' it's just a fact). It's a very weird feeling to be surrounded by people who love you but knowing they just don't get you. I am extremely aware that people would kill to have what I do, a big, loving family and they try really hard to understand and help but sometimes you just need more weirdos like you who see the world the same way and have the same kind of issues you do. What I want is a day. Just one single fucking day where I can just do what I need to do around the house without just staring at it for hours before I work up the spoons to do it. I want one day where I can actually do something creative as I've lost my drive (probably temporary, depression usually has the opposite affect on me and I write MORE when I'm depressed for some reason). I want to play with my daughter without constantly worrying about if she'll eat something other than junk food (she's an extremely picky eater), or is she'll take a bath without a fight or if she'll actually drink something for a change (yes, we are in contact with doctors about all this, it's just an extremely slow process). I want to wake up and not be exhausted for a change, I want to not be in constant pain for no fucking reason (chronic fatigue...yay). I want to not spend my days unable to focus on anything, to not be constantly disassociating because my stupid brain can't cope with too much sensory input. I am exhausted, I'm grieving and I just want to be normal for a fucking change. Anyway, it's all a lot more complicated than what I've written and it's very unlikely this makes any sense at all. But I needed to write it down, to tell someone, somewhere just so I can stop obsessing over all these thoughts. Maybe now I can sleep.

[pan-merlin]

The story of a hot chocolate tradition

My brother has atopic eczema, from the moment he was born he had one of the worst cases. He was even put into medical scripts as an example with photos and stuff. He was crying and screaming all the time for 3 years straight basically, I remember how I was sad that I couldn't help him even though he's in pain. He was more annoyed and itchy in retrospective, but as a young child I didn't comprehend that something could itch that bad. He also has asthma, as a baby he was in hospital with it multiple times and one time my mother had to resuscitate him. The asthma got a lot better with medication and now he's basically fine as an adult. The eczema is also a lot better, no open wounds as he had almost constantly, it acts up almost only if there's an allergy season or something. There's also the fact that my mom did a lot of work and found what worked for him, what made it better. My dad also has eczema, so when he came into our lives he understood and helped. My parents are incredible and I love them.

As a child I didn't really comprehend how bad my brothers conditions were. I did know what to watch out for and that I need to tell an adult if my brother was having an asthma attack or stopped breathing. I knew his hands were sore and all his skin was itchy, that his fingers had to be covered, if we wanted to play in the dirt or sand. That I need to know where his inhaler is and how to use it and sometimes argue with him to take it. When his brain stopped getting the oxygen he would be angry and stubborn, but I knew he needed to take it.

It didn't really click, that he could die. I knew what death was, my grandpa died and I was aware that my brother would not be able to breathe sometimes. But as a young child I wasn't really aware that people could die. Like the concept of death was still foreign to me. Of course later I did understand, but not yet. I just knew what mom did and what was needed so my little brother would be safe. I didn't know what from, but the concept of safety was not foreign to me, it was familiar and clear. As clear as that I need to make sure he is safe, well safe from other things than my sibling schemes. No one was, is or will be safe from our sibling schemes.

When he was 3 and I was 4 and a half we went to the Podhájska baths for the first time. It's a small village in Slovakia, there's a thermal spring that's great for treating skin conditions. I think all of them, I saw all the skin conditions I ever heard of at least once there in person. My grandma, that was taking us most of the time, as she was already retired and my mom was a single mother, always says it was like a miracle. Which might sound like an overstatement, but within a week his skin was without an open wound. There wasn't a single one, after more than 3 years, I didn't really get it then. But when she talks about it, I get it. From then on we went multiple times a year, every single year. I didn't need it for my skin, but there's wasn't really a reason for me not to go.

There's so much memories of those trips, we met people there from our town, one of their kids had eczema too, we still talk. The hotel staff knows us, the people we stayed at in the summer know us, we watched the village change. It's just a really big part of our life.

We went by train, exclusively. It was a lot more comfortable than car for us, plus my grandma didn't own or drove a car. We would sometimes miss our next train, or it would be late, or we just had to wait for some time. It would become a tradition, that we would get hot chocolate from the coffee vending machines. It was incredible, we would get money from grandma and then we would go to the machine and find the right button, then we would put the coins in, then push the button and wait for hot chocolate. I don't think I can describe what it means to us.

Our family went to Podhájska this week, I left early as I have therapy appointment. We went by car this time, grandma can't really walk and me and dad drive. This meant that I didn't have to stress about finding a train from Podhájska that would allow me to change for the international train at a bigger station. My dad just drove me half an hour to the station. But I did have some time. I did get hot chocolate. When I approached the machines, there are like five of them, and I was looking where's the right button, the man next to me started talking to me. Our conversation wasn't long, he said that coffee is better from the machine he was getting his one at, I smiled and said that I'm getting a chocolate, but I thanked him regardless. We said a few words and then wished each other good evening. The chocolate was great, I was smiling the whole time. I hope that man is happy.

[rebecca2407]

My Endometriosis and IC Journey, Part 2: Pain, Needles, and Unsolicited Advice

Let me start by saying: living with endometriosis and interstitial cystitis (IC) feels like being stuck in the worst episode of a medical drama—except no one is solving anything, and you’re still the patient screaming in pain. Over the years, I’ve tried more remedies than there are Kardashians. Spoiler alert: most of them don’t work, but hey, you have to try something, right?

Let’s talk about pain management, or as I call it, the “what fresh hell is this?” department. The one thing I do consistently rely on is my trusty TENS unit. This little device sends electrical pulses through my skin, and for some reason, it helps take the edge off my pain. Is it magic? Science? Am I just so desperate that tiny electric shocks feel comforting now? Who knows. All I know is that when it’s 3 a.m., and I’m curled up like a shrimp because the cramps are bad, this thing is my ride-or-die. Bonus: it gives me a slight “Frankenstein’s monster” vibe, which I think adds to my charm.

Now, let’s move on to physical therapy. Mondays are officially my “torture and hope” days because that’s when I go to my pelvic floor physical therapist. We recently started dry needling, which sounds horrifying, doesn’t it? Let me tell you: it’s exactly as bad as it sounds. They stick tiny needles into my muscles to release tension. And while it does help for a day or two, the aftermath is… intense. Side effects? Oh, just the usual: feeling like I’ve been hit by a truck and having to pee every three seconds. Seriously, I can’t leave the bathroom. It’s like my bladder heard about the needles and decided to punish me for it.

Speaking of my bladder, let’s get into the creative methods I’ve had to use to calm it down. Bladder spasms are no joke—they’re like having a rebellious toddler throwing a tantrum inside you. My go-to remedy? Ice packs. Yes, ice packs up there. Glamorous, right? You know things are bad when your most effective pain relief method involves freezing your lady parts. But when the bladder spasms are roaring and heat isn’t cutting it, you do what you have to do.

Oh, and water. So much water. I sit in tubs until I feel like I’m about to evolve into some kind of aquatic creature. Warm water does help a little, but I hate how people act like it’s some magical cure. “Just take a bath!” they say, as if that will solve the fact that my uterus is staging a coup. If baths were the answer, I wouldn’t be writing this blog—I’d be soaking in a tub 24/7, living my best mermaid life.

And then there’s the unsolicited advice. I’m looking at you, people who tell me to “just breathe through it.” Breathe? BREATHE?! Listen, if breathing solved chronic pain, I’d be the Dalai Lama by now. Deep breaths don’t stop my organs from feeling like they’re trying to escape my body. Telling me to “breathe in, breathe out” is like telling someone with a broken leg to just walk it off. Not helpful. In fact, it’s mildly infuriating.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I’ve tried everything under the sun. Essential oils? Smelled like a walking herb garden, still hurt. Acupuncture? Felt like a human pincushion, still hurt. Meditation? Oh, I tried. I sat there, cross-legged, chanting, “Ohm,” but all I could think about was how much pain I was in and how I wanted to scream at whoever suggested meditation as a cure.

Heat is another staple in my pain management arsenal. Heating pads are my best friends—seriously, I have one in almost every room. The downside? I’ve burned myself more times than I can count because I tend to crank the heat up to “lava” levels. Sometimes, I’ll combine heat with water therapy, which is a fancy way of saying I sit in the shower with the water as hot as I can stand. It’s not exactly relaxing, but hey, it keeps me from losing my mind.

Honestly, one of the hardest parts of this journey isn’t even the physical pain—it’s the emotional toll. People just don’t get it. They’ll say things like, “You don’t look sick,” as if chronic pain comes with a neon sign above your head. Or they’ll tell you to “stay positive,” as if smiling through the pain will magically cure my insides. Look, I appreciate the sentiment, but positivity isn’t going to un-glue my organs or calm down my bladder.

Then there’s the guilt. Oh, the guilt. Chronic illness is like having a toxic relationship with your own body. You feel guilty for canceling plans, for not being as productive as you’d like, for being a burden. But you know what? Screw that. I’m not a burden. I’m a warrior. A very tired, slightly cranky warrior, but a warrior nonetheless.

So, what’s next in this never-ending journey? Who knows. Maybe I’ll stumble upon a miracle cure. Maybe I’ll invent one myself—some magical device that zaps away endometriosis and IC forever. Until then, I’ll keep doing what I’m doing: experimenting, surviving, and sharing my story.

To anyone out there dealing with something similar, just know you’re not alone. And if someone tells you to “just breathe,” feel free to direct them to this blog. Or, you know, throw a heating pad at them. Whatever works.

[onkort]

12/27/24 (7:52p)

today was another feel it to heal it kind of day. i woke up and immediately got ready to go to kohl’s to make returns for christmas stuff. things that didn’t work, were too big / long (my LEDs for the tv :,( ).

i went to the mall after for some gift cards. i ended up crying on the way to the mall cause an olivia rodrigo song came on & i just got hit with WAVES of emotion. some negative. some positive. it wasn’t enough for me to have to pull over but i definitely let out a nice long cry.

i was supposed to go out with someone i adore today, but due to her being sick we planned to reschedule, for monday actually :3. i got her a gift card for bath & body due to the endless amounts of scents and every time i was with her shopping at the mall, we almost ALWAYS went there. i got her other half a gift card. i always appreciated our talks about food so i’m giving him a free lunch on me. it isn’t much but i appreciate them and everything they’ve done for me. so just something small to let them both know i’m still thinking of them from time to time.

since i was at the mall i ended up getting my necklace cleaned. i had nothing better to do after

from there i basically went home. i turned on the playstation for the first time in a while & i started playing epic mickey for a while. if i’m being honest while i was waiting for it to copy / download i was watching some videos stored on my history. i watched some clips from when i played stick fight with my old s.o, i actually got a good laugh & i was hit by the memory of us laughing together and playing. for the first time i looked back on my old relationship & i didn’t feel pain. and for the first time it sparked a sense of hope in me that one day ill be able to look at it and not feel upset but smile instead.

it made me miss my old s.o though. but we’re doing what’s best. part of me wants to check in from time to time or compliment him in a photo he may post but i know i shouldn’t. i don’t want to hurt him or remind him that im here. i know he knows. i just wish we could talk sometimes, but he needs time.

i also got into touch with an APN who i will be seeing for my mental health regarding my medication management. i’ll be seeing her in january. my therapy has been pretty good. lots of self reflecting. maybe not so much today since today was an

“in my feelings kinda day”

but thats okay. because im not running or distracting myself & im facing the feelings as they come. its hard but im proud of myself

i ended up at grandma’s to eat dinner & to open a gift from her. she actually got me some cute stuff! i’ll have to write about it tomorrow and what not.

always,

-b